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Life's a song, and you're singing it wrong!

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

3:14PM - WHEN SHALL WE MEET???????????????

so...... lets meet.YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME- So, YOU name the time and place- but of course you must first take into consideration your tedious work schedule at sodexho.

Current mood: im ready when you are

Monday, October 18, 2004

7:56AM - dont you love people who read into things

who asked for a boyfriend, a relationship...anything really? NOT I! stop reading into things people and take the shit i say for its face value. do not come back with some smart ass remark like you have any idea what i was talking about. odds are you dont have a clue who i am or what i mean when i say certain things. i do not think you even have the balls to say who you are...mr. or mrs. anonymous. good job commenting on my 2 1/2 crushes as if im actually persuing them or wanting them. a crush in my book is someone you think is cute and would like to get to know...THE END! thats it and now what are you gunna cling on to my every word and attack what i've said on this entry now you asshole??

well go ahead. call me young, unexperienced, immature...go ahead and say what you will for i have bigger fish to fry other things to deal with and i dont mind talking to you about it. IF and only IF you have the balls to show your face and be real and not a jackass...

how about you stop acting like you know what im saying when i write things on here and just ask me if what you think i meant is really what i indeed meant.

good job smart one.

im off to class now- what are you up to...being a bum looser id assume.....oh wait- now we wouldnt want to assume now would we cause id be just as foolish as you then.................................................................



Current mood: fuck you as if you know me!

Saturday, October 16, 2004

10:19AM - I'm sick and in a darn miserable mood this week- whats going on??

THIS WEEK HAS SUCKED....thats first, second is I'm sicker then I've ever really been before and I dont know how i got sick or even how to get better. I am mad because of that...Also I lost my cell phone this week and now i have no way to contact the outside world...I am sad because of that AND I ran my bills over and overdrafted by 181 dollars, now i am struggling to pay off the 181 PLUS all the darn overdraft fees they charged me from running over my limit, this makes me depressed. I am also mad because of last night...I dont know why i stayed there with that girl and watched her flirt with him and walk all over my teritory BUT I DID. and THAT MAKES ME MAD! I am sad,mad,depressed,mad some more, and SICK!! GOD DAMNIT! why is this week so bad...
On top of everything my mother is bitching at me for like hours on end about all the issues (the issues being): 1- the lost cell phone, 2- the overdraft bank account, 3-getting sick, 4-some shit id like to remain private, and 5-"not being responsible".....now im like WTF!!!!!!! I am responsible, but according to my mother i am not.

I am feeling like pooh and i need to go back to bed now...

where is everyone? nickole and conboy went home for the weekend....brinna and hayley got drunk and passed out....noah and his friends are drunk and probobly sick and hung over from the party last night and tiff's doing errands, while meghans asleep and that just leaves me jess- not that thats not good enough....but sometimes you long for a change- some new company- a new friend to get to know or a group to be with- WHERE IS EVERYONE when i need them all sick and depressed like?????



i feel like pooey.....someone make me feel better Pwease?!

Current mood: sad,depressed,mad,sick& lonely

Wednesday, October 13, 2004


God darnit!!!! I'm totally a 12A rating too noah! shit! im a dork too....:-(

Current mood: wtf- im pretty as hell & cool

6:36PM - Woah its been a damn while now- huh??

So..........I havent been here since like may man, but i miss writting to my friends on here and having you all check up on me....also i love all my new friends like meghan, alexis,noah,brianna.....etc etc

ps. i miss my cell phone now that i stupidly lost it!

I have two and a half crushes...i thought i liked shevy but now it seems i dont so much so he's the half and the other two well they will remain nameless....if you know me and are smart- youd know who im talking about.....haha

IM NOT STUBSY!!!!!!! lol- oh shit, wait- i am....oops!

I will leave you with this pimp ass song from FLOGGING MOLLY:::> called:::>

"Light Of A Fading Star"

And the light of a fading star
Is what you were, is what you are
Like the glow that christens the moon
You shone too soon, you shone too soon

Oh when will this war be over?
And the madness leaves the air
This brick that's found between us
And the pulling of the hair

But if there's a reason
I don't need to know right now

And the light of a fading star
Is what you were, is what you are
Like the glow that christens the moon
You shone too soon, you shone too soon

Volunteers are soon forgotten
And many more of us shall die
The sick still feed the hungry
And the last battle song has cried

But if there's a reason
I don't need to know right now

And the light of a fading star
Is what you were, is what you are
Like the glow that christens the moon
You shone too soon, you shone too soon

Oh and I always thought
That you, you wanted me
Oh and I always thought some how
That you, you wanted me

Ahhh, but if there's a reason
I don't need to know right now
'Cause beyond the pale eyes' evening
And the shadow of the cloud

And the light of a fading star
Is what you were, is what you are
Like the glow that christens the moon
You shone too soon, you shone too soon

And the light of a fading star
Is what you were, is what you are
Like the glow that christens the moon
You shone too soon, you shone too soon

And the light of a fading star
Is what you were, is what you are





I'm out- and...... scene!


<3 :-) Jewels

Current mood: Poey on boys who dont like me!

Monday, May 31, 2004

6:48AM - What a night!

So I know its been a couple days since I wrote in here, and I have much to say trust me- but it is like almost 7 am on a Monday morning...and I am not about to type out everything now. I will get back to you on everything that has happened from last weekend till now...including the amazing nights ive had for the past two days...AMAZING!

last night/this morning...was a shock...but im glad it happened...it had been a while- and i feel so relieved!

Shout outs to Anthony for being so gentle!

I have so much to write. I will be back later today to tell my stories...dont worry

off to bed for the morning now- I have been up all night. I need some rest!

:-)~ :-)~


~ <3 ~

Current mood: Sexually!!! (LOL)

Saturday, May 22, 2004

9:21AM - Why am I up?

Just wanted to say real quick, before I pass out again, That Tina (AKA) Arigato Roboto did NOT ruin my night last night. We actually had a fun kick ass time, her being 21, and me being 19- she totally got me drinks all night at level 3, and it was ladies night so we drank FREE- YEAY- GOOD TIMES!

ok, im passing out..

Thanks Roboto for not ruining my night....

& YEAY for drunk people dancing on stages with there titty's hanging totally out, and with there thongs showing cuz their lifting their skirts up to their waists!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes- this was me all night at Prana--- You read correctly! lol


Current mood: Passing the fuck out!

Friday, May 21, 2004

8:16PM - Oops! I forgot to mention...


OH wait I did mention it...didn't I....on my last entry...

well I'll say it again JOHN IS A SELL OUT!






ok, NOW I'm taking a shower... while poor old John is out playing poker and LOOOOOOSING...

haha :-)


Current mood: Arigato Roboto and John suck!

8:04PM - Thank you very much A-Mr. Roboto.... GOD DAMN HER!

Tina (AKA) Arigato Roboto is so amusing.

She is so fucking ANNOYING too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Oh well, I'm gunna look cute and have a good time anyways...so fuck it if she has a good time or not...shes not going to bring me down tonight! I wont let her!


I am praying arigato roboto is not an asshole tonight!

I know its coming, she will be, but im still praying shes not gunna ruin my night....AHHHHH, why the fuck is she coming!


Current mood: Sumting good better happen now

4:41AM - The Plan!

So I went to Flirt tonight with Joel and DeAnn, and it was empty, thank god we didnt pay to get in, or we would have been mad. Oh well...But one really good thing about going anyways was that i finally had the opportunity to meet Holly. She is such a cute girl, and a great bar tender. I suggest everyone goes and gets a drink from her at Flirt on Sat. night...She's cute and nice- you can't miss her. So Joels friend was there and we decided to leave Flirt because it was so not happening. We went to the castle and the line was long. It was 80's/Dance night and when we got upstairs it was PACKED! so packed people were dripping with sweat and it was so humid from all the people. It was intense and AMAZING! I loved it, and so did Dede. Joel got very tired and wanted to go, so he left and we stayed till closing. I actually had the nerve to talk to a cute guy- yeay Julie! And I saw so many of my friends from other clubs. Like these two cute ass gay boys from Flirt two weeks ago...and then Will's friend, i forget his name...we danced tonight again together..gay boys are so much fun! Lesbians too *wink,wink*

So I just got in and checked my messages and I dunno where I was when Holly called me, but apparently she did. and I am SO FUCKING PISSED OFF AT MYSELF THAT I MISSED HER CALL. I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING DUMB ASSHOLE FOR NOT PICKING UP...I MUST HAVE BEEN IN THE SHOWER- BUT WHAT AN ASSHOLE! I MISSED HER CALL! FUCK ME! I didn't catch her number either to call her back, and when i saw her tonight she was working and didtn mention it, and I didnt know about it yet so neither did I. So I missed it! FUCK ME! AHHHH, IM PISSED! lolol, im playing, i just feel like a dumb ass though! I need to get her number.

So tonight was overall very fun. I am going to Ampatheatre (no cover ladies) tonight. and then again to Castle on Saturday...YEAH BABY! The Castle is so much fun, good times!

I'm gunna miss not having Tony with me to look at all the weirdos and cuties! poop on Tony!

I hope Tiffany decides to come with us on Saturday!

OOh OOh ! and guess what...Nickole is coming with us on Saturday to castle YIPPY! shes gunna sleep over after too! And shes bringing all her clothes/jewelery/stuff! so we can dress for the ocassion...The Castle= Goth!

I'm excited- I hope I see Kevin again....the cute cute cute boy frmo The castle...He wasnt there tonight...I hope he's there Saturday!

We'll I should get to bed so I dont sleep all day today!

*KEVIN* is an amazzzzzing dancer....

*HOLLY* is a total cutttttie!

I have crushes on so many people....yeay for being single again!!!! GOOD TIMES!!!!!

Hope all is well with everyone! Summers pretty damn fun so far... hope it lasts through fall!


Current mood: I'm thinking of a cute barky!!

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

1:42PM - Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

Me and Tiffany are getting ready to go out and pic up my pictures from walgreens and we're listening to Colors of the wind from Pocahontas.


So I am so damn sick and tired of men. Well actually there all like boys for that matter. Stupid dumb ignorant immature PMS'y damn asshole boys! Like Jairo, hanging up at me when I'm in mid-sentence and he doesnt care to call back and say sorry or anything. And then we dont talk again untill I CALL HIM! like a couple days later...That is absolutely un cool. I will never forgive him for what he has done to me. He has betrayed me beyond beliefe. I never thought it was possible to HATE someone who you once loved so much. Maybe it wasnt love then....maybe I was too scared of being alone so I stayed for all the wrong reasons..I mean honestly, that makes sense. I'm sure that was it. Cuz it cant be possible to HATE someone this much and love them a month prior...That couldnt have been true love...I dont know what it was then... but oh well THANK GOD its over. cuz i couldnt stand it one more year, i would have killed myself. or HIM! lol, preferably HIM! FUCK BOYS!

And then theres Jon, what a crazy boy. He is PMSing way to much for his own good. Boys should not be PMSing like he is. Tony does it sometimes too, gets all touchy and mean. But I'm used to that and he's gay so I consider him a girl anyways, so he;s allowe to PMS..u-no, but not Jon, Jon needs to fix whatever the fuck hes going through, cuz i dont deserve his shit, and hes totally ruining my plans for this weekend...which pisses me the fuck off! WHY ARE BOYS SUCH IGNORANT FOOLS?

I think its time for me to become a full fledged lesbian...Watch out Flirt here i come...lol

I have too much to say to keep typing,


Monday, May 17, 2004

7:59PM - Whats the deal for this weekend

Im getting ready to go to dinner with the new roommie, and some girls from my building, Tina and DeAnn. Were going to OLIVE GARDEN!! YIPPY! im excited about that!

So whats the dilly with this weekend. Jon might be coming in town this weekend and we might get our crunk on. I'm reaserching what clubs are ripping this Friday and then were gunna stop by Castle on Saturday.


so i need to find a job badly, and im broke as a joke, my bank of america account is at - $37.54 this week....WTF is that about....ahh it sux!

oh well.

im going to get my grub on with the girls now, ttyl

~ <3 ~

Current mood: bout to eat my foot!

Saturday, May 15, 2004

4:53AM - I'm the queen of the CASTLE!

Tonight me and Tony went to the Castle in Ybor again, the same night and time, exactly one week later....The senetor was NOT there- THANK GOD! But some wanna-bee senetor guy was....not cool, man- NOT COOL!

Well it was fun overall, not like last weekend....but still fun.

I went shopping this afternoon with Nickole and got two new cute shirts, and a skirt, a new ring and necklace...yeay me!

So I'm set for clubbing this weekend. Tomorrow's Chrome or flirt...gay ppl all the way!

So i saw my new love tonight at flirt, i went and told him how much i love watching him dance and we spoke- YEAY!!! His name is Kevin, and hes so fucking goddamn cute! AHH And dont get me started on how good of a dancer he is...AMAZING!!! WOAH!! I could just sit (sobber even) and watch him dance for hours, even days at a time, id never get sick of him, ahhh- praise god for his talent!

That boy can dance fo sho!

So Im sleeping at Tony's again, my computer in my room is still not set up b/c i just moved into a new room at UT for summer. WTF is with this moving shit every couple months- i hate it, what a hastle.

WellI hope to talk to Jon soon, I am thinking of him tonight, cuz im finally online and HE'S NOT!!! oh well, i will tt him soon (i hope)

call me all- my new number is 813-250-8539....


im tired from all the smoke lights thumpin beats blisters and thongs...ew- weord old men!!


~ <3 ~

Current mood: I'm tired & aint shit to do!

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

6:56AM - Song of the Week!!!!


Here are the lyrics to my new jam...PUSSY!

I wanna see your pussy
Everybody says it's nice
Can I can and come and visit?
I'll be at your house tonight
They tell me it's soft to touch and really smooth
I can hardly wait to feel that pussy too
You wanna play with pussy all the time
To hide that kind of pussy is a crime
You say you're pussy's clever and so slick
But I think your pussy's kind of sick

I wanna see your pussy, show it to me
Let me see your pussy, show it to me
Show me your pussy, show it to me
I want to see your pussy, show it to me

I want to bet your pussy ain't as pretty as mine
I don't hide my pussy like you do all the time
My pussy's just the sweetest thing you've ever seen
Compared to mine your pussy's really ugly and mean
I bring my pussy everywhere I go (m-hmm)
To watch my little pussy is a show
You say that your pussy really clever and slick
But I think your pussy's really thick

I wanna see your pussy, show it to me
Let me see your pussy, show it to me
Show me your pussy, show it to me
I want to see your pussy, show it to me

She turns into a tiger when she's ready to eat
My pussy's always hungry for a big chunk of meat
So lay your little pussy right next to mine
You can bring her over around dinner time
My pussy is the hippest thing around (that's right)
She's always been the talk of the town
You say your pussy's clever and so slick
But I think that your pussy's mighty think (me-ow baby)

I wanna see your pussy, show it to me
Let me see your pussy, show it to me
Show me your pussy, show it to me
I want to see your pussy, show it to me

I wanna see your pussy, show it to me
Let me see your pussy, show it to me
Show me your pussy, show it to me
I want to see your pussy, show it to me

Current mood: PUSSY=GOOD!

5:48AM - Sorry I forgot!!!!

Hey, back so soon- YES I forgot to mention, that I am so lonely and bored with none of my girls here for the summer, I hope all is well at home for you and I hope to talk to all of you on a reglar basis this summer...I miss you all!!!!!!!!!! Be safe this summer....Dont do anything I wouldnt do *WINK WINK*



Current mood: SARAH IS GOD!!!!

5:11AM - What a weekend!

This was my first weekend in Ybor at the clubs. What a couple of crazy nights.

Friday I went to Castle with Tony. Let me just say The senetor is one hella crazy old naked man- if that aint the truth i dont know what is...lol- EWW! Tony totally found a new boy toy though. Good for you TONY!!!! YEAY! And his (gay-in the closet) guy friend who claimed to be straight was all trying to hit my shit and I'm like um- EWW Youre gay- excuse me Mr.! LOLOL!

Saturday I went to Flirt with Tina (till she left me-then I was alone)- Who would have thought at a lesbian club a straight guy would hit on me and not leave me alone till I kissed him...Crazy straight men! And he was old too...37 y/o! What was I thinking?

Sunday I went to The Parlaiment House in Orlando where I got to dance with Tony for the first time, that boy is too cute! lol.

So from my two nights with my luck you can see how I attract the old crazy man type- not what I was hoping for- if you know what I mean....I'm sick of that shit! AHHH!

Hopefully this weekend ill attract the ones I'd actually like to persue! **WINK**

Saturday at Flirt- BE THERE!
Thursday at Flirt is a wet t-shirt contest- so all you boys out there in need of some titty show- go to Flirt this Thursday and you'll see plenty! LOL (not mine though- or at least i dont think- j.k)

So I spoke to the folks for a damn change, fought towards the end of the conversation-WHATS NEW?

Jon sold me out again, went out with friends and driving and such rather then stay home and talk to me on the phone, what a dunce cap! Maybe someday he'll learn how to charm the ladies, cuz he needs some help! lol (j/p Jon)

BTW- Tina totally flipped that I took her to a lesbian club- i dunno why, maybe its cuz i forgot to tell her and then some girl was all up in her like white on rice....lol, sorry Tina! Maybe next time we'll go to a straight ppl club- lol!

Goth music rocks my world! I have to start giong to Castle more often, OMG dont get me staretd on the dancers (YUMMY!!) they are so amazing!

And at Flirt- Natashia and Adrenalyn are so fucking good too! I'm in love with Natashia...He/She's a trip and a half! What a body on that man (women-lol) Nice boobies! Go check em out this saturday night at 1:30!! HELL YEAH!

If you have Kazaa download "show me your pussy" tell me what you think- its my new favorite song...very catchy! very funny lyrics too! They played it at flirt (how appropriate) and i loved it!

Tony is such a funny boy, this weekend was tons of fun, many first experiences for me, Tony really knows how to pop a cherry! lolol, IM SO KIDDING TONY!!!! U-no what I mean though.
I cant wait till the next time we chill.:-) :-) :-)

Even just chilling at his house is so much fun, last night was a blast he totally passed the fuck out on the floor in jeans and shit while I got the bed- what a gentlemen!

Oh I'm moving tomorrow (well technically today) to my new dorm for summer- wish me luck, I packed all my crap in one day (today) and I'm anxious to get unpacked and do laundry so I can go out again! YEAY!!!!! I need more clothes man, for going out, i think its time to shop!!! I need money- I need a job, I need some action, I need alot of things...but i'll stop at those three...lol, time for beddy pooh!

Maybe Jon wont sell me out tomorrow, and maybe I wont have to move that far in the end after all- We'll see, Im keeping my fingers crossed, *wink wink*

I'm outtie~

~ <3 ~

Current mood: I feel accomplished for packin

Friday, May 7, 2004

4:18AM - Life this semester!

My job situation:
Howl-O-Scream at Busch Gardens (fall season only)-
This is like Halloween Horror nights at Disney, but it’s at Busch Gardens. They hire teenage performers to sing/dance/act and scare the people for two months. The audition is in July sometime and I am going with a friend Tony. He works there (for the past two years) and knows the boss and thinks I’d be good for it. I am hopeful for this job the most, it makes the most money and sounds like the most fun. It pays over $8.00 an hour and approx. $1000 for the season (I think). You are required to do your own scary (death) makeup and I know I’d do well at that. I could work this job simultaneously while working another part time job next semester ( if time permits or If I’m not in the fall musical- which hopefully I will be) because this is only for two months. The audition is fairly simple and I’m crossing my fingers.

Lane Bryant-
I am going this week sometime (when all my friends go home-after the goodbye’s) to the mall that’s closest to UT. West Shore Mall, you take the number 30 bus uptown down past Dale Mabry and it’s about 5 stops up the road, at the mall bus stop. I am hoping to get a job at Lane Bryant because I know the women there (they are so nice) and I know they had applications sitting on the front counter when I was there last week buying my recital outfit. I plan on applying there with a friend, Nickole, who lives in St. Pete (45 minutes away), if she gets the job too then we will go to work together (asking for the same shift/hours) so she can drive me (it’s safer and more reliable then the bus) so we have to see about that. If I do get hired I’m sure sometime I’ll have to take the buss and rather then an all day pass for $3.00 every single day and a one-time pass for $1.30 I will pre-buy the monthly pass for something like $20.00 (I friend gave me that quote-I don’t know how true that is) and I’ll just use that pass instead (it will be cheaper I’m sure) This would be a dream job because the stores small and I’m good with people and the girls who currently work there are sweet and I’d feel at home (being over weight) and mostly because I’d get a discount of some sort (maybe 10-15%) off of all my clothes from there (and I do buy most of my clothes from there anyway).

Algusto’s Mexican Restaurant-
Tonight was Cinco de Mayo and me and some girls went to a new place for dinner to check it out. The food is surprisingly good and cheap (medium). It was packed (I don’t know if it always is or if it was because of the day we went on) but it was poorly staffed and I asked the waiter about how outside there was a sign that said “now hiring”. We got to talking and it turns out he too is a UT student and it was his first day on the job. He told us that he literally walked past last afternoon to see if they were still hiring, spoke to the manager and in doing so the manager asked “are you free tomorrow night”?? The boy said yes and the manager hired him on the spot, and the next night he was working and waiting tables. Just like that! That’s how badly they needed people to work. So I asked about a job (application) and they were too busy that he said to come back tomorrow afternoon. So I am going tomorrow at 3pm with a friend Louis. We both hope to get hired as easily as that other UT boy did yesterday. I’m sure one of us will get hired, we’ll see. But it is literally less then a block from the campus right off of Kennedy and I would walk across the street to work daily and it’d be the easiest thing for me. I have no clue how much they pay but I’d assume not much and then there’s always tips and stuff. It’s a little bit bigger then Papa Riccos so it’s nice and small, and shouldn’t be too difficult.

The Hard Rock Hotel and Casino-
Tony (the same friend of mine from the first job option) has been working here for a year and knows the boss/owner and thinks they are in need of some people. I’m unsure what I’d do exactly but maybe house keeping/maid duty. He said he could easily get me that job, he thinks. Not that I’d love to get on my hands and knees and clean up after drunken old men’s toilets but money’s money, and if it pays good then I‘m there. If not then I‘ll look else where, because I‘m not doing nasty cleaning work for minimum wage. This is still up in the air, I don’t even know where the place is (I’ve never been or seen it) but I know if I worked I’d have to adjust my schedule to Tony’s so we could work together so he’d be my ride (I don’t think the bus goes that far). This option is (out of them all) the least favorite of the masses. So we’ll see.

Voice lessons/Juries:
Oy, where do I start? Well my voice teacher this semesters name was Dr. Dechance, she is a good teacher (or has the reputation of being a “good” teacher) but a bitch of a person. Our personalities are too much alike and we clash because of this. She is in charge of recitals also and when she gives us our introductions she’s so sarcastic and mean (cold hearted). I prefer a teacher who is more understanding and nice. We don’t fight or anything and we are on good terms but I dislike her as a human being. First off she can not play piano or sing well. I find it hard to learn a piece of music when your teacher is unable to teach you the exact notes because she herself is not able to play the piano. This is not cool. I had to learn everything on my own or by going to a friend or another teacher (the piano teacher). And I am not paying this voice teacher of mine to sit and listen to me and tell me what I already know about myself. I am not growing as a musician, or as a singer form her. I can honestly say that this semester she has not taught me one thing. Nothing! I have learned more from myself then from her, and that is not right. I am switching voice teachers in the fall (well actually the summer). I am going form her to Dr. Islee (the tall blonde hair hyper man you met at the orientation- and that dad spoke to on the phone). He is the head of the music department and is in charge of the OPUS group (like omega-but better). Being on his good side is like being on top of the world. He saw me at recitals and in TOMMY and offered to be my new teacher, I immediately accepted and plan on leaving that other loser. He is a better teacher, and he knows how to play piano very well, he is also more knowledgeable about musical theatre and show tunes unlike Dr. Dechance who is all about classical music and non-belting head voice. She limits me to soprano only opera and he expands my horizons by allowing me to do everything. He has all the best students (and the progress they make is obvious). Like Justin- the lead boy in TOMMY (the TOMMY narrator) is the best boy singer at UT and Islee teaches him, also my roommate Jessica takes lessons from Islee. I am thrilled to changed teachers. He is much better at what I need and want out of my time here at UT. And by being his student you have a much better chance at making it into the OPUS group and into the good recitals and things. He’s a lot higher up there then my current teacher is. So I will learn more and prosper from this Islee guy! I’m anxious to start with him and I’m glad he is letting me study with him. Me and him already get along so so well and I can confide in him more then her so it’s a lot cooler, u-no, I can go to him if I need him, like a mentor, but not with her, she’s to mean to everyone. Juries, is the final exam for voice that I took Tuesday afternoon. And damn if I didn’t ace that shit! I am the man! I don’t know for sure but I feel I did so well, and shocked both them and me, that I know I got an A. this will be averaged into my overall lesson grade and will make my “voice lesson” grade for the semester. I sang a Mozart Italian Aria and the “Audition song” from The Last Five Years. I did well at all the songs I attempted to sing this semester. There were 5 voice teachers in the room when I went and they enjoyed me. There was my teacher who was glad I didn’t mess up and make her look bad, Dr. Islee (who I’ll have next fall) and the best voice teacher (who is leaving in a year to go work at a prestigious college in New York) Noel Van Etten. She is top of the line, only the best get to work with her, no freshman ever get that chance. She has all the seniors and works with them on there senior showcase. She’s fluent in Italian and is so sweet and genuine. She actually gave me permission to override and take lessons with her this summer at UT in her office, but pay directly to her. Not as a credit hour lesson class, but under the table on the side. She makes extra money by doing this and works with other adults from outside of school (but uses her UT studio for the room). She saw me and thinks I could “benefit” by her. I am taking lessons with her this summer (hopefully- if I find money) and then go to the next best thing which is Dr. Islee. So I’m happy and in good hands with my voice.

My class/grades:
I have no idea what my grades are because of my bad attendance at the beginning of the semester. I am lucky I’m not failing everything because it’s been extremely hard adjusting to everything. Living alone, waking up in the morning, going to sleep at night, being on a schedule, being lonely, being without normality and friends from back home and without Jairo. Without scruffy and my bed and my world. Also being in school fro the first time in like a year (after taking time off), it was so hard to get back into the swing of things, but I made it and I’m working on it still and am confident that I can do it in time. But I have not given it enough time yet, it’s only been one semester and I still have a lot to learn and do and things to adjust to. It is only to be expected. Everyone I talk to tells me its normal for this to be happening and that they understand. Teachers know this is natural and friends once went through it all too. I am in their same boat just a semester later. I have gotten better about waking up on time and making it to classes. I was having trouble before TOMMY and right after, but once you have a set schedule it’s fine. I can assume or guess what I got in my classes but I have no real concept because of the attendance factor. I think I’m getting a B in voice class, maybe an AB, but it all depends on her mood when she puts my grade into the computer. I deserve a B though, so we’ll see. In Global Issues I am getting B ( I think) based on the essays and things I get back from her (they are all A’s) but my attendance (I think) will bring it down a grade because it was the first class at 8am Mon/Wed/Fri. And that was intensely hard to make at the beginning while I was still adjusting. Then there’s English 101, I get AB’s (mostly B’s) on my essays. That is the only thing we do, essays. So average in attendance and the final exam and I have no idea what I’m going to get in that class. I have missed a couple of classes of this, not a lot, but a few, and don’t know how she plans on grading because of that. I am probably a BC student in there. Anything lower then a C is just absurd. Because my essays are all B quality. In Glee club I know I wont get worse then a B, I deserve an A, but have missed a few because I was sick last week and a week after TOMMY also. So when I was sick I just wouldn’t go because I knew I wouldn’t be able to sing anyways, so Id do other things during that hour. So we’ll see. Also, the teacher is weird, I don’t know if he likes me or not because he is nice one day and mean the next. If anything I’ll get an AB. If he gives me a C, then I know he hates me. Either way it’s still passing, and I’m fine. My technical theatre class and lab I know I got at least an AB in, because I was always there and worked hard on the sets and things. I think he is going to give me an A, but who knows. Then there’s Recital concert attendance, I have no idea how that is graded but I know by attending at least 8 each semester you meet the requirement and stay in the program. I don’t know if its necessarily an ABC type of grading system. Music Appreciation I was all good in, and was making at least a C, or better, but then I got sick and slept through at least 4 classes because I had a fever and ached and didn’t want to walk to the music building at 9am after not even getting 5 hours of sleep a night (by the way I’m having trouble sleeping at night!) So who the heck knows how he’ll grade me, it’s the same teacher I have for glee club, and as I said, who knows if he likes me or not. I’m hoping I get at least a C. If I don’t I’ll be so pissed. I missed a lot because of being sick and if he doesn’t believe me then he can very well fail me. I have explained myself (in glee club) about how I was sick and he knows (I think) but I have no clue what will happen. That is all I can say, the grades are unavailable till May 13th I think. So no one knows anything yet. And I still have a final to take, so who knows.

My housing next semester/roommate status:
I have not had luck with roommates this semester because I opened up too fast to that girl Emily and she was scared of me, we have spoke and she admits she pre-judged me a lot with false accusations and all. She and I are not friends but get along as we do live in the same building together and are both civil people. She lives alone and likes it that way and is anti-social and admits it. She has a boyfriend and only talks to him, and never leaves her room except to eat and go to class. She knows that we didn’t get along and does not blame me for it solely as she was also to blame. I have met a Jewish music major named Jessica Albaum, from New Jersey. She is my best friend here at UT. We are alike and yet very different from each other. We get along so well, we fight as all girl friends do, but we love each other. We are thrilled to be rooming together next semester and are already planning how to decorate the room. Also her current roommate Amanda is rooming with us, in a triple (it’s very crowded and tight but it’s cheaper-YOU’RE WELCOME!) We like her and she does not have many friends here (much like Emily, Amanda secludes herself from everyone except her boyfriend). We didn’t want to leave her behind to have to room with a total stranger so we asked her to join us in Crescent Place next semester. We are living in room 511, and I am sleeping on the bottom bunk. We have a great view of downtown, and the building is a much better place to live then McKay was. So my new roommates are Jessica and Amanda, room 511 in Crescent Place.

My social life:
I have made so many amazing friendships already, that I know I will keep for years upon graduation from UT. Aside from all the people I now know and am friends with form TOMMY and the PAR program here, I have a best friend Jessica (the roommate girl). We hang out 24/7. I met a cool guy Shane, who is transferring to Southern Connecticut this semester. A funny girl Casey who is also transferring to SC this semester. Casey’s roommate Dari who is a total jap (but not Jewish) sorority girl, who is so funny and motherly. We have a “crew” it is Dari, Jess, me, Carolyn (crip) and Casey. Crip, is a girl named Carolyn who is in a wheel chair. She has some thing I forget that she cant walk and has been in a wheel chair forever. She is so damn funny and is going to be me and Jess’ Resident Advisor next semester. She is so smart and intellectual, and she calls herself “the crip” so we all do too. It’s funny if you know us, but if you don’t then you might take it the wrong way, we have a funny sense of humor (the crew). I also met a weirdo guy named Louis who also hates his father and has a crazy mom and a fucked up teenage hood as did I, we get along just fine. Then there’s Larry, he‘s gay and so out there, it‘s great, we look at guys‘ asses together all day. Tony (the one whose helping me with the jobs) is gay too. He is a music major and is so cute. He is taking me to my first club in Ybor City tomorrow night (college night at all Ybor clubs) it‘s a lesbian club and I am going to freak if some girl tries to pick me up, he goes ’cause the gay boys hang out there too. He’s good times. Then Tina, whose father is a zillionaire and owns some business in Japan, she is from Thailand and speaks funny English. She‘s a marine bio major with a minor in math- I know, crazy! She is such a tom boy and had never worn a drop of makeup (and she’s 21) till last weekend when I gave her a makeover (after she went out to Channel and Eckerd’s and bought more then $250.00 of makeup in one afternoon). Then there’s Kelly and Christina, boy don’t get me started on those two. They’re roommates and are so amusing, I hang with them second most, after the crew. I sleep there like every day and am keeping one of there fridges this summer (thank god) they are driving home together and live in NY and Maryland, They are so funny because they are so anti-social and hate people, yet they immediately grew to love me, and we get along so good, we’ve yet to fight. Then there’s my most recent friends who I went to eat Mexican food with tonight Nickole and Hayley. They are best friends and are rooming together next semester. Nickole is a music major and has a very good voice. She lives in St. Pete and is trying to get a job at Lane Bryant with me and she will be hanging with me this summer saving me from school (hopefully), this is who I go to cry on a shoulder, or at least I did so last night. And then Hayley is going home (6 hours away) and she’s a cool girl. She has a southern accent and doesn’t even notice when she uses it. When we hang its always the three of us. Danny, he’s also in theatre and is gay, he lives off campus, was in TOMMY with me and is so cute and petite. He keeps on going back to his “ex” boyfriend and never learns, he is so funny. He smokes a lot and is always retarded but is so fun. These are all GOOD friends of mine not just ok people I know. I have been lucky to have met this many cool, nice, talented, smart, genuine people in such a short period of time. I am excited for next semester to begin now that I have these people to share it with. Without friends this place sucks. But I now have them and am anxious to start fall semester.

My break up with Jairo:
Jairo and I have grown apart. He has changed and so have I. We are no longer “in love” with each other. And we are both going in two completely different directions with our lives. It started a year or so ago, and I began to doubt my love for him, but I ignored those feelings and stayed by his side even though I was looking else where. I was too scared to leave, scared I’d never do any better, that he was all I could get. At this weight, I thought no boy would love me and that I had him so I should just keep him. I stayed and grew further and further from him, as he grew different too. We are best friends and always will be (I hope/think) but can no longer say we are “in love” though we do admit to still loving each other (if this makes any sense?!) He will always be the one for me and he claims to feel the same about me, but who knows. I don’t know how much of what he says is true anymore now that we have grown apart. This has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my whole life. I was the one who broke up with him, not the other way around. I did it on our three year anniversary too. April 1st, 2004 I decided I had had enough and needed to free myself of the chains. Three years is an awfully long time to be tied down to someone, especially at my age (teenage hood) it’s like all my teenage years were devoted to him and I had to end that. I needed to focus on myself and not him for a change. He was the most important thing in my life for sometime there and I was living a lie. I “dumped” him by letter because I did not want to speak to him at the time. He has done nothing wrong, but we just aren’t the same as when we first fell in love. He tells me he needs to “find himself” as do I. And he thinks we need the break from being held down and attached to someone. It’s good I think because we can’t love each other until we love ourselves or even know who ourselves are. It’s been one lonely month and I can’t describe how much I miss him. I have not seen him since he drove me back to UT during my spring break. If I could have one thing, it’d be to see him once again. I don’t know if we will ever be the same and in love again. But I know that I wish things were the same and different. The way we started off. He started college and got way too busy for me, too busy to even talk to me on the phone for five minutes and that is just wrong. If someone is that busy they do not belong in a serious committed relationship (in my humble opinion) and I told him this, he agreed and so he now has a lot more time to do what he wants to do and to study. He made great grades this semester because of our break up. I dumped him and stopped all association with him for almost a month, and then I called to see how he was doing, and to invite him to TOMMY even though I knew he wouldn’t come (he had work). He was able to study a lot more in our two and a half weeks of separation and isolation. He was able to truly focus on himself for once in three years and he liked it. He now doesn’t want anything to do with me. He claims this is for the best and that if we go off on our own to “find ourselves” then we’d both better form the separation. I strongly disagree. I need him so badly in any way shape or form. He knows this, I have told him I don’t want to cut ties between us. But he insists that’s what I need to do in order to “find myself”. We fight all the time because he has no time for me and because we are too different now. He claims he cares for me, yet he wont do shit for me, even if I’m stuck somewhere with nothing, he’s all about “me doing it myself” and finding myself etc. I hate him but I love him right now. He makes me cry every day/night when we speak or when I think of what we once had. I do not think we will ever be like what we were before. We have changed so drastically and for the worst. He has no need for me and no time for me and doesn’t care like he should, I have time but don’t know how to be with him so far away and I need a lot more then he can give me right now (while he’s working and in school) I know this. I need a guy whose there all the time who can call and cheer me up or talk for hours and he just isn’t that guy anymore. It is the saddest thing in my life. I am so depressed without him by my side and my outlook on love has forever changed. I am so lonely and feel like shit every night when I lye in bed without him to cuddle with or without him on the phone. It hurts me to no end and for this I’m sure I am a much more negative person. I am praying for him to fall back in love with me and to have time for me soon, I have no idea when I’ll ever see him again, but until then all I can do is hope, wish and pray to god that he still loves me like I love him.

Current mood: Jon is a weirdo!

Wednesday, May 5, 2004

4:32PM - Why is nothing going my way?

I just got off the phone with my dad. What a negative man he is, he rubs it of onto others (namely ME) and I hate him for that. I have never hated one single person this much in my entire lifetime. He takes the cake. Why he is so mean to me, I will never know. I am depressed, angry, sad, upset, pissed off, scared and confused right now due to the outcome of our conversation. I wish life were different, I wish things werent this hard all the time, why does he treat me like he does, and why does my mom let him. I mean I don't get physically abused by my parents but I might as well be, from the verbal abuse I'm getting on a daily basis. Why me- WHAT THE FUCK!

Current mood: Fuck life!

2:45AM - Olive Garden

I went to Olive Garden and ate so much i think im going to expload! I'm anxious for these finals to be over so I can go to Flirt on thursday and saturday or one of the two days, and get my freak on! I'm excited!

Current mood: ate to much olive garden bread

Tuesday, May 4, 2004

12:52AM - Was that you, are you making Padidle Squats?

Crip made me laugh so hard tonight with her version of her bathroom adventure with kc, and the drains padidle squats. I had never heard the word before and laughed my ass off. Crip is so funny sometimes.

Today i spent a good period of time with kc, alone. For the first real time this semester and it was cool. I like her by herself more then when she's in a crowd, she's more sincere. It was a change and I enjoyed it, she helped me write my thesis for one of my english essays, she's pretty smart that kc. I know she'll get far at five towns. I will miss her so much. It wont be the same when we chill without her there to be so funny and sarcastic and like me. We have the same type of humor...it's nice, the compatability.

While I was in her room i was reading her friends' info from there screen names on aim, and i found this and i was stuck in pure wonder for like 10 minutes:

What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?

I asked myself what WOULD I do? And I thought of so many things, like I'd never be alone, because anyone I wanted to love and told, would love me back- I couldn't fail! How amazing would life be if that were so?! Also, I'd be so smart and done with school, and not fail! Also, I'd be on Who wants to be a millionare, and win! I'd be rich. And I'd be hot and sexy and thin, because I could do anything and not fail. Oh my god, what I would do if this were so! I was stuck for a while thinking about this, and I'm like damn why can't this be so..?..and back to reality i snapped.

Tomorrow me Jess and Jess' family are going to Olive Garden for dinner, and I'm like YEAY! It's sad, but it's my favorite resturant of life. I'm in love with it! lol, so is Jess, which is so cool that we have that in common. I'm excited for that.

ALSO!!!! Juries is at 3pm, and I have not studied b/c I've been focused on my english essays for Wed. finals. AHH! I hope I pass Juries with at leats a B. If I go lower then that then I'm so screwed.

I just read an e-mail from my dad and i'm so intensely depressed it's not even funny...I can't even begin to describe how sad I am, and alone, and hurt...mainly in shock. I must go now, I know nothing I write from this point on will be positive so I dont want to make you endure my shit, goodnight all.

~ <3 ~

Current mood: I WANT TO KILL or DIE or BOTH!

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